So it just occurred to me that most of the reason I even started this blog was that it was supposed to be therapeutic.
This blog has become just another thing on my Anxiety Avoidance list and I’d like to change that.
Back in the days of Xanga and old tumblr (apparently tumblr is still around and actually more popular now than when I was in high school???) I used to word-vomit every day after school and it would help me log everything that happened throughout the day.
Not that the whole internet needs to know my entire day or anything.
I used to think I had a terrible memory, now I realize mine is actually better than others.
Anyway, let’s go through my week because even though I’m dead inside I think my life is funny AF when seen through my eyes.
People always tell me my life is like a sitcom, but I think I just remember all the funny shit and all the bad shit which is how my life becomes a never-ending dark comedy.
Let’s get this started in the same crappy format I used to use back in high school:
(just going by my saved Snaps…)
Apparently it was the first time I slept with my CPAP on.
I’m not sure if I notice a difference. I have been a lot more productive this week in the mornings. I don’t know if I’m actually feeling well rested or if if’s just doom setting in that if I don’t make a side-hustle work then I’m gonna be broke af.
Got up, walked my dog, got back just in time to record an episode of Sailor and a Philosopher with Louise.
November 15th is actually the anniversary of my dad’s death. He died of cancer when I was 16 which is what inspired me to (scared me into?) eat healthy and the whole holistic/functional medicine thing even though I didn’t know the term functional medicine until recently. Eating healthy has been a wild rollercoaster for me because when I’m depressed I eat like shit. So basically… all the time.
I started seeing a functional medicine practitioner about a month ago. I apparently lost my mind and took Ryan Daniel Moran a little too seriously when he recommended it in one of his Capitalism.com podcasts. In short: I can’t actually afford this wellness plan that I’m on so I gotta make some money appear real quick. The irony of this is astounding. Why am I like this. Who knows.
Monday 16 November:
This is a picture of Ruth Bader Hensburg, apparently.
The Farmer Veteran Coalition Conference was held online this year.
I wasn’t even gonna go. I don’t feel like webinars and Zoom calls are even 1/10th the same as a real live conference.
But I figured “Hey, I actually started a business bank account for the (future) farm and have money in there, might as well use it for the conference.”
I thought it would be a waste of money but I was wrong. I felt nearly the same amount of excited and energized that I felt at the FVC conference last year.
Even though I didn’t sit in front of my phone/computer for all the presentations (I still had day-to-day stuff to take care of. I’m hoping to catch the replays.) it re-affirmed that starting a farm is my ultimate goal.
Now I gotta figure out how to get funded.
I finished up the agribusiness course from Archi’s Institute for Sustainable Agriculture but I turned in a shit business plan. (In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if I failed. I still haven’t heard back about final grades.)
So I’m back to the drawing board for the business plan for both getting funding and VR&E benefits.
Back in July I had applied for Chapter 31 Vocational Rehab benefits and I qualified but my voc rehab counselor had no idea wtf I wanted.
I found this YouTube video earlier in the year from AgrAbility where they showed a case study of how a veteran started a farm using VA benefits through a program called the VA Accelerator. They helped her get training and funded equipment to start up her farm.
I though “PERFECT! This is the exact thing I want to do. It’s always nice to see someone has done it before me.”
I’ll write more in detail about VR&E later but in short, I confused my counselor about what I wanted because there are four specific tracks within the VR&E and she didn’t know which one to put me in.
I gave up and just used my GI Bill for Archi’s Institute which I still feel very strongly was the right decision. I was able to jump in right on the very next class start date and I had a mind-blowingly great experience learning from them even though most of what was taught was the same material I learned from my entrepreneurship classes at the community college (and oddly enough, The One Funnel Away Challenge)
But it just occurred to me last week that since my Sustainable Agriculture certificate is completed (hopefully!) that my path is actually a lot more straight forward now. I just need to get into the VR&E Self Employment track.
Apparently that one is *hard* to get into. You need to already have a solid business plan already to even apply. So that’s the goal right now: unfuck my business plan and re-apply for VR&E.
What else happened Monday?
Oh, yeah! I got the Adobe Creative Suite for $15/mo during their pre-Black Friday sale!
This is with student pricing which we qualify for since we’re homeschooling.
Tuesday 17 November:
I got nothin’ in the ol’ Snapchat archives.
In my regular phone pictures it looks like this is when the good idea fairy visited my brain at work and I drew out on a sticky note yet another funnel I’ll probably fail to launch.
Wednesday 18 November:
The first day of the FVC conference. I tried to put it up on my living room TV but the computer I have attached to it hadn’t been updated in five months so it took time to update. Plus Zoom is kind of wonky on Ubuntu anyway so I just kept watching it on my phone.
I hadn’t touched the living room computer since Tiffany lived here so that brought back a bunch of weird memories of trying to get the kids to virtual musical theater and virtual beerfest (for us, not for the kids)
My living room also looks like it blew tf up because Katherine and I are trying to do a pre-Christmas toy purge.
We got a good chunk out of the way and we got couch space back (floor space is still pending).
While we did that I introduced her to Once Upon A Time on Disney+. She was not a fan of Regina killing her father. I don’t get it because she’s seen worse watching all three seasons of Stranger Things.
I told her we’d go to the beach after the FVC conference but we got all caught up in living room clean-up so it’s all good.I was killing time until my friend told me I could come over so she could talk about her feeling about not making Chief.
When she hadn’t called me by 1600 I knew something was up.
I got a crazy excited video from her and found out she made it!
We ended up hanging out that night anyway because who knows when she’s going to be available again.
Thursday 19 November:
Had my appointment with the functional medicine place.
I’m done with my initial cleanse and can have beef and pork again. Huzzah!
My food sensitivity tests came back and apparently I can’t have eggs or dairy. I always kind of knew about the dairy thing. Eggs are curious, though. Good thing I don’t like to have them very often. It’s just gonna kill me not to be able to have deviled eggs for Thanksgiving.
Took the kiddo for a nice wetsuit kinda day at the beach shortly afterward but not before stopping by Sprouts to get “healthy” snacks.
I don’t think I’ve found a flavor of Zevia I actually like yet, but so far they’re at least all tolerable.
I didn’t drink soda often anyway except for when I was on the ship.
Friday 20 November:
Had therapy. It was a disaster. I always feel mostly fine until I walk into that room and have to talk about what’s going on. Then all I can focus on is the bad. Which is wild because when I write a blog like this, all I can focus on is the good.
Anyway, I basically told her that therapy isn’t helping, psychiatry isn’t helping, eating right isn’t helping.
I just kind of feel empty no matter what.
Me being me, I also jokingly told her “Don’t worry, it’s not you, it’s me.”
She told me that I have options.
I’m not used to having options.
I can see another clinician or I can try to get into an IOP/PHP.
I’ll look into those things but I’m hesitant in thinking that they would be any help either.
The anxiety brain fog/head pressure was particularly bad this day. I’m not sure if it was because of therapy or of looking at my bank account right before therapy.
Well anyway, Fridays are my Mondays so duty calls…
Saturday 21 November:
I guess that’s yesterday.
I don’t know. Pretty regular Saturday, I guess. Took the kiddo to soccer and then to the park. But not before trying to find canned pumpkin that is apparently suddenly very scarce.
Found some at the 99 Cent store but it had carrageenan in it which I was unsure about. The label design also looked icky an apparently that’s how I decide weather or not to buy products now so I put it back.
Listened to a ton of podcasts at work as per always. One of them in particular told me that I might be a little late on running Facebook ads for Black Friday so I went home and cobbled together a quick ad and submitted it at 2am this morning. It looks like it already got approved and will launch tonight so I may have been a little pre-emptive and have regrets.
Generally this week has been a lot of designing ugly Christmas sweaters for the Teespring shop.
I’m pretty done trying to make the regular shop work on this (togoashore.com) website so don’t buy anything from me here.
There’s also random bits and pieces of things here and there that I forgot to mention. Like my best friend in Texas getting married to a guy she just met.
C’est la vie.
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